Progressing Naturally

Not Settling for Mediocrity in the Workplace!

2010-08-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

Mediocre: of only ordinary quality, barely adequate, rather poor/inferior

Imagine if you eliminated the mediocre employees from your workplace? Instead of an ok company, you’d at least have the possibility to become a GREAT company. The question I come back to constantly is………… WHY WOULDN’T YOU WANT A GREAT COMPANY???? Why settle? Well I’ve come up with some answers.

Imagine a very successful company, that found a niche in the market place that very few others are currently tapping, they’ve established financial credibility, and during one of the worst economic declines in years this company made more money than ever? Would they be looking to change anything? Probably not. Why mess with a good thing right? Of course whether you are the owner of this company or one of the employees would dramatically change your answer.

I believe that in this company referenced above that the owner has become content, the company basically runs on auto-pilot, makes literally millions, and he does not have to interact with the day to day chaos, so why would he want to clean house and start over? He enjoys, dare I say even embraces the mediocre employee, as these are the ones that make the greatest “Yes men”, they would NEVER state the obvious, nor would they ever go against what the owner thinks. The mediocre employee always allows the boss to look like the hero, the answer man, the solver of all the issues. (This also leads the the mediocre employees never being accountable or responsible if they ultimately don't have to make decisions)

Mediocre employees actually cost a company money. They're the lazy employees of the company, they excel at expending the least amount of effort to get something done. Tolerating mediocre employees in a company setting will always lead to discord, and eventually losing the exceptional employees. If there is tolerance for mediocrity in the workplace, then a negative company culture has already been established.

Sadly mediocrity in the work place breeds contempt. It systematically destroys the self esteem and confidence of individuals who are exceptional. The extraordinary employees will eventually leave and or lose their drive. Some may even fall into sync with the rest of the mediocre crew. Mediocrity encourages hard working employees to begin to feel used, and eventually the will slack off. Even the most diligent employee who refuses to deliver less than their best eventually will start to feel they only need to put in the minimal effort, since others are slacking off and still being rewarded.

The leaders, supervisors, VP’s are the very core of key people, and if there is mediocrity within these ranks, it is best to clean house. They are making high salaries, and need to be held accountable. If these are the people who are mediocre in the company how can it be expected for those employees under them to perform at the top of their game. Why would they? The lowest paid employees actually have the greatest affect on a company’s bottom line as they are in fact the ones interacting daily with the clients.

Wouldn’t it make sense to put extraordinary leaders in place? Wouldn’t it make sense to clean house? Wouldn't it make sense to reward and place value on your exceptional employees?

If a company on auto-pilot is profiting financially, imagine having extraordinary employees and a synergy created enabling it to become a phenomenal company?

Are there jobs out there encouraging and rewarding the dedicated, and exceptional employees? Or as a society have we embraced mediocrity?

Progressing to the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (3)

2010-08-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

Wow! It’s strange, but sometimes I start to think that no one gets it, maybe I’m over thinking it, and then I read other parent’s stuff and some re-write and repeat back to me some of my very own history and I keep reminding myself that I am not alone…. More parents than I have also gone through this.

My son is quite similar and gone through very similar issues as others dealing with the diagnosis of Asperger’s and other PDD diagnoses. The only different aspect he possesses is the rage. He also takes medicine every morning, for depression and anxiety, as he was extremely depressed, and suicidal at 6 years old. Talk about a wake up call. I couldn’t believe it mainly because where does a 6 year old even come up with that stuff. I remember my own childhood and it was awesome, the worse thing that might happen was we couldn’t’ go out to play after dinner. I felt like my world had crashed and that I had failed miserably as a parent. Here was the sweetest, most loving child, and he told me at the hospital, that everything would be better if he wasn’t here. (Crying now just typing it). It crushed me.

He takes medication for rage, and a medicine for focusing and the Zoloft for depression. And he is truly a happy seven year old now. He hums and sings (which he never did before); he smiles (although not all the time – he often will tell me very matter of factly that “just because I’m not smiling doesn’t mean I’m not happy, it just means my mouth isn’t up in the air”)

He is so very literal. It is one of the things we are trying to over come at day care. Here’s an example, there are two balls, My son is playing with one (cause he’s semi-obsessed with bouncy balls all sizes), a younger child wants to play with it, the teacher tells my son to use the second ball and give the younger child his. This is all it takes. My son says why can’t the kid play with the other ball, and the teacher says, “They are the same, they are both balls” OMG – My son can tell you down to the paint color and drawings on the balls that no they are not exactly the same. He throws a fit; he gets time out or punished, or goes into a full blown tantrum. By the time I arrive on the scene he’s hysterical, and the caretaker is pissed, telling me what’s the big deal, he won’t share, blah blah, and Michael is adamant, that “she said they are the same, she said they are the same, THEY ARE NOT THE SAME” God, I keep bringing in articles, paperwork, books some of these caretakers are one step from illiterate and just don’t get it or just don’t care. And to me it’s just hurtful. In my son’s world the balls really aren’t the same, you are telling him and punishing him for something that isn’t accurate or factual. It makes me so angry.

At one day care the director was so angry with my son she pulled him into her office and demanded he apologize for something he’d done, and stood in front of him yelling at him. Needless to say he went nuts, I have no idea what happened, but when I got there, my 5 year old was naked, in a corner of the office that was now trashed/destroyed, rocking back and forth, making a sound like a wounded animal, he couldn’t see me, didn’t know I was there, it was like he was gone but his eyes were open, I had to bear hug him till he finally released and then he looked at me and started crying. I truly almost killed that woman. She told me he needed to be beaten and he was like a wild animal. We never went back.

To this day, my son has never exhibited the rage inside him toward me. He’s only had it happen maybe 5 or 6 times in his whole life, and the last time was when he was hospitalized and I believe that is when we got the medication under control.

He was obsessed with having no father until the medication and now he can rationally state that his dad doesn’t live with us, he knows that I was not married to his dad and of course someday I’ll have to tell my son the whole story. I’m extremely careful not to lie to him. I give facts on a need to know basis, and nothing more.

He is still having issues with auditory input, the likes of which going to McDonald’s on a day when there are tons of kids there make it a very impossible situation for him. He doesn’t like loud, or too much noise, or lots of stimuli… it creates tension that you can see building in him. We are thankfully at the stage where he will actually come to me and let me know it’s too much.

He’s genuinely funny at times also, the other day I had to take an antibiotic that truly did look like a horse pill, and as I was getting ready to take it, he stated, “Mommy that is a freakishly large pill to swallow”. It made me burst into laughter. .

The elementary school that he goes to is phenomenal with us. Matter of fact we went up there tonight to enroll for second grade and the principal came and took him on a tour of the new stuff they got while I filled out paperwork. She went through hell with us last year. Almost everyday there was an incident, running into bathrooms and locking the doors so no one could come in, trashing the library, trashing her office, running to get out, attacking his teacher, etc. etc. He was only having therapy twice a month and we had just started seeing a psychiatrist, and kicked out of three day cares when he started first grade. I picked the male teacher as I thought it would be good for my son, and although the guy is awesome he was way too nice. He couldn’t stick to a routine…. But he worked with us all year, we received an ISP which is an individualized student plan, and it consisted of me, his teacher, the school counselor, the vice principal and the districts therapist. We met all the time and they really were very involved and bent over backwards for us. After my son was hospitalized and he dug in and focused, they realized exactly how smart he was and did a trial run in the gifted and talented program, which he’s now been permanently placed. He also has a male teacher who is upstairs in the building who is his “buddy”, when ever he’s having a problem or needs to calm down or just throw a ball or take a walk, this teacher comes and gets him. They also have a kid life-size log cabin in one of the classrooms, which when he needs calming or some no sensory input time, he goes in there shuts all the windows and doors and takes a breather. He actually after medication made two friends that he actually will initiate talking to (in small doses for small periods of time). He truly wants to have friends, and tries so hard, but his tolerance level is maybe 30 – 35 minutes, and then he wants to be alone and have solitude. And I found it funny that the other kids in his class (as I volunteered A LOT) would reassure me that, “it’s ok sometimes he’s just doing his thing” or “it’s just his thing”…. Instead of being mean and making fun of him, some of these kids (and granted they are only 6 at this point) just figured that’s how he is, they accepted him anyway.

There are only two people I would leave my son with, one is the VP of the company I work at, he and his wife are unbelievable, actually read up on Asperger’s, understand the medicine routine, and in May of this year forced me to go out and have fun and took him for the night. I was kind of lost, and called every hour till they told me they were shutting the phones off and would call me if they needed me. Keep in mind they have two kids of their own and have gone out of their way to me, He takes my son for some one on one guy time once a month or so and my son loves him. The other is my very good friend who just had her first child, so she’s out of commission for awhile, but she’s been with me every step of the journey, and noticed things were off almost before I did…. She’s wonderful, I hired her as my assistant when she was 18 and now she works for my bosses brother in the same capacity as me (which is a Personal Assistant – the most horrific job in the world!!! ) both of these guys are multi millionaires, and it’s like being a private gopher…. But anyway -

My boss has also been a trooper because the three months I had no where to put my son in day care I schlepped him into my office and he was exceptionally well behaved. (Course he was just with me all day and that is always calming to him)

I do have one 30 year old guy who used to work at our company on one of our sites, that takes my son almost every other Saturday for one on one male bonding, they rough house, play, go to movies, he even took my son to the auto show!!! Which last maybe an hour before my son decided they had to leave, but he handled it like a trooper and there were no incidents. He pushes my son a little more than I do, which I think is a guy thing anyway.

We go to medication check ups every three months now, and therapy is now at every 6 weeks.

Our current battle is staying in our own bed till morning. He slept with me right up until being hospitalized (yeah I know), and then up until 3 weeks ago he slept in his own room all the time. Now (and it’s totally my fault) he’s sneaking in every night. I had a REALLY bad dream about three weeks ago, and woke up scared, like sweating, thinking there was impending doom scared, and went and got him to come into bed with me. Now he thinks he’s the man, the protector…. MY BAD. I should have just got in the bottom bunk of his bed and slept but wasn’t thinking clearly so we are once again battling going to bed.

The other thing we are working on currently is my trying to explain that some things have dual meanings. For a child with Asperger’s you must be very careful what you say. I once was frustrated driving because someone in front of me was going much too slow for my liking, and stated they were killing me, HUGE ERROR. We had an entire week where my son was worried I was dying and was that person in the car in front of us going to come kill me…..

We have two more weeks of day care and that’s over till next summer and school starts back 8/23. Which will be another transition and couple weeks of issues.

I’ve been looking on line for a support group to join, I’m a little concerned with future issues of having put this kid on medication so young, will he ever be able to be off them, what will happen when he’s old and doesn’t want to take them, etc. etc.

I recently heard about the new insurance bill that got passed in Massachusetts, and I almost threw up. My son’s hospitalization wasn’t covered ($38K) no idea what I’m going to do with that, and his prescriptions FINALLY are covered cause they total around $1800.00 a month without insurance. Might be all the incentive I need to go home, well that and selling this house, and getting a job…..

So we start the second grade, he can’t wait, he’s bored and restless and looking forward to studying and working and learning, and a routine, anything to focus on….. Me, well, I’m praying for a breakthrough year, with minimal incidents……

I would like to get through a day not panicking every time my phone rings….

Women over 40 have a better odds of being shot by a terrorist than find love.....

2010-08-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

I read that on the Internet when googling, "finding love after 40", in October of 2008. It shell shocked me back into life and wanting to find a man to have a relationship with after years of being content living alone, and now living as a single parent to a 7 year old.

We all know the odds that after 35 there are less men then women out there, so there is a chance that yes, some of us will live alone for the remainder of our lives.   Doesn't mean our lives will be any less fulfilled or any less enjoyable than anyone else's.

Life is what you make it, happiness is a choice, and you've got to live in the present moment, cause really that's all there is.

I actually still believe (yes I'm a romantic at heart), that there is someone out there for me, someone wonderful and special. I also believe at my age (48) that you can only appreciate the "wonderful" men, the men of substance, that are in this world when you've been through and experienced the not so wonderful ones. Let's face it, we've all had our share of assholes....

As someone who dabbles in Karma beliefs, I believe that when you go through something awful, painful or soul wrenching, that the universe has the converse right around the corner waiting. That this "thing", "idea", "person", "event" that is around the corner will be the perfect counterbalance to what you are going through right now.   The universe is fair like that.

It is time to stop dating poorly and learn to date smart. Funny how a bit of perspective from failed relationships can make you feel like a total idiot. That one sentence on the Internet from googling ways to date and find love after 40 causes you to sit up and take notice of all the mistakes you are making, figure out why and move past it to smarter and healthier ways of living.

In retrospect I bet all women can look back at different relationships and if asked, "Did you at any time notice signs that these past men were not the right men for you?" we'd all say, "Yes". Here's the rub ladies, we all should have ended things and walked away at the FIRST sign. There is no point in throwing good time after bad.    We should have been honest about what wasn't working, given closure to the "relationship" and moved on.   People don't change, and if someone is trying to change so you will like them, they'll hate you in the end, and visa versa, it doesn't work. No square pegs in round holes.

Why do we want a man that clearly shows all the signs of not wanting us? Are we so desperate that a man with none of the criteria we are looking for in a partner is better than no one? Or are we compromising our criteria? Have you ever written out the top 10 things important to you in a partner or friend? Write them out, then mark the 5 things that are deal breakers for you. How may items on the list are you willing to not have in order to be friends or date?

I say friends or date because I want my partner to be my friend, but I also want true friends and because of that hold them to many of the same standards.

We all know the typical cliches: (they apply to dating, and friendships)

* I don't want to commit, is really I don't want to commit to you
* I need space, is really I need space from you
* I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now, is I don't want a relationship with you
* You're a nice person, we can be friends - means I don't find you attractive, most likely will not call,
    but might if there is absolutely no one else to talk with

I once had a man continuously call me (3 or 4 times a week) for about 6 months, and tell me often that he didn't have the capacity to love, that he was damaged -- how awful I thought, I'll extend my friendship and bring love back into his life, show him there are some good people in the world...blah, blah. It turns out that all along he was dating someone, later he told me she was the love of his life - so again, really the meaning of what he was telling me was, he didn't have the capacity to love me.

These men that use these lines will tell you that they aren't lieing, they'll rationalize it's to keep from hurting our feelings. That is BS..... Here's a deal breaker ladies, if they can't be honest, they lack integrity. Honesty is the basis of integrity.

Obviously my own radar has been broken for a little while. But I know what I'm looking for and I know what is a deal breaker or not for me.

I own my home, I have a 7 year old with Asperger's, been married before, I'm able to support myself. I don't need anyone to save me, I can save myself. I desire a man of substance, who can go the distance, who is open and honest and understands that those of us over 40 have flaws..... I want someone who'll love me flaws and all.....

I realize it's alot to ask, but isn't it better than being shot by a terrorist?

Progressing to NOW

2010-08-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

Adapted from The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle (New World Library, 1999).

Usually, the future is a replica of the past. Superficial changes are possible, but real transformation is rare and depends upon whether you can become present enough to dissolve the past by accessing the power of the Now.

What you perceive as future is an intrinsic part of your state of consciousness now. If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence.

The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future–which, or course, can only be experienced as the Now.

You may win ten million dollars, but that kind of change is no more than skin deep. You would simply continue to act out the same conditioned patterns in more luxurious surroundings. Humans have learned to split the atom. Instead of killing ten or twenty people with a wooden club, one person can now kill a million just by pushing a button. Is that real change?

If it is the quality of your consciousness at this moment that determines the future, then what is it that determines the quality of your consciousness? Your degree of presence. So the only place where true change can occur and where the past can be dissolved is the Now.

Seems so easy doesn't it?

Progressing Away From Being Too Busy

2010-08-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

We've all heard it before, the friend who says, I'm too busy.... or the unanswered emails, voice mails, texts that when you finally hear from your friend they state, I've been so busy, or I've been too busy.....

Yes we all get busy, and everyone's lives at some point are overwhelmingly characterized by every minute being sucked up, leaving us in a vacuum of accomplishing the tasks and being set free again.

Seriously, too busy to text a hello? a how are you? a Gosh I'm thinking of you but tied up at the moment?

What I hear, being a human with feelings, when someone I care about, states this to me after a week or two of non-communication is........ I don't care about you! Call me crazy (and many have), but it is how I feel.

The need to interact with those we care about is instinctive, to share, laugh, get together and commiserate.... and I certainly have been guilty of using the I'm busy line myself at different times in my life, to avoid saying directly that the friendship has changed, that we no longer share common interests, or to avoid completely having to tell someone they've hurt me and I no longer want to be friends.

I've learned that closure to others is important, how utterly rude of me to be so arrogant as to think with people I care about, that my being busy takes precedence over nurturing a friendship, being there when they need me, or the audacity to allow a past friend to think I am so callous that I couldn't find the time to talk with them and give them some closure, tell them the honest truth on why I have left their life.

I've learned of late that keeping in contact is important, I even have one friend that we schedule in advance for a 4 hour block of time in the mornings one Saturday or Sunday each month. I commit to it, and totally enjoy seeing her, catching up and hearing about her life.

George Bernard Shaw wrote:
"You may neglect your intimate friends from time to time, but if you fail to cultivate these qualities—loyalty, forgiveness, honesty, and dedication—you can't expect to keep true friends."

As I age, I understand the importance of true friends, the one's who love you no matter what, that are there by your side when "it hits the fan", that call and share their lives, that advise and ask for advice, that see your flaws and love you in spite of it....... the people that become "family" to you.

I guess I have some cultivating to do...........

Progressing to Asperger's - 2

2010-08-03T05:17:00.001-07:00

His toddler years were marked by his making friends only with adults. He seemed to have little to no regard for other children, to the point of ignoring them. The most interaction I saw him have with other children, was when he finally started crawling, he would go around at naptime and take all the pacifiers and put them under his blanket. He didn’t use a pacifier, so I really found this odd. He didn’t crawl till almost 1, and he didn’t speak (although he knew every word you were saying and I believe he knew this quite young), he used sign language for most of what he wanted, and eventually started one or two words, mostly on cue to get people to laugh. He crawled for a very short period of time and then went right to walking. He never was inquisitive (as in opening cabinets, climbing up on things, looking inside things). Loud noises, music freaked him out, different textures made him skittish, going anywhere that more than 3 people would be at usually started a fit. We had to leave more birthday parties for fits that I finally stopped accepting invitations. I remember one instance where they were singing happy birthday to the child whose party we were at, and then started serving cake and my child went sideways screaming because they had not said “grace” yet, and at school they ALWAYS say grace before eating. We had to leave.

Being a single mother, he had to go to day care from 9 months on; it would absolutely kill me everyday to drop him at day care. He would cling to my leg and scream. It bothered me that no other children were doing that. I cried on the way to work for 5 years. I believed that because he only had me, that he felt his world was leaving every time I left, but in talking to other parents, reading on line, etc. etc., I was finding that this was not the case.

What I was becoming aware of was that he didn’t view things like other kids or even me. His world is very black and white. If I drove to or from daycare a different way than the normal way, he would get extremely anxious and alert me to the fact this can’t be the way, we are lost. I began telling him ahead of time, I’m going to go a different way to where ever we were going and the reason why, so he would be prepared, I would involve him in moving furniture, let him know if I was going to back into the garage versus drive straight in.

He wanted things to be the same, at school mostly. One on one he does much better. School and events there is just too much stimulation, too many people talking or moving. The movie theatre was overwhelming.

At 2 ½ his Dr. thought maybe he had PDD, which is such a vague diagnosis. But he definitely had audio and sensory issues and we received therapy for a year working on those two specific items. The daycare he had been at since he was a baby had two teachers that worked well with him, and he responded well to them. One left and the other the Director of the school felt was babying him and was transferred to a different class. On his second day of kindergarten at this day care, I was told that they were no longer willing to put in the time for such a high maintenance child. I was asked not to come back.

This was the start of some real trauma, as all he knew for 4 years was that day care and those people. I had to find him a new place to go. His pediatrician left her practice and we were forced to find a new one, which turned out to be a good thing.

We started at a new day care and I enrolled him in public school (which unfortunately was half days), so he had to go to day care, take a bus to school, and a bus back to daycare. In hindsight I should have known that was going to be a challenge and too much for him. But I was unaware of what the real problem was, and thought I was dealing with some sensory issues and some brattiness.

It would soon all come to a climax and I would find out exactly what I was dealing with.

Progressing Past Modern Technology

2010-07-27T18:05:00.001-07:00

In today’s busy times, we often think an email, text or posting on facebook or a personal blog site is the same as keeping in touch with friends. I believe this to be a travesty and injustice that will carry on to future generations, creating a culture of non-communicative, non-emotional people.

Technology has not really done us any favors in this regard. Yes, I agree that I am much more productive with all my gadgets, and certainly the employers of the world are thrilled, as for many there is no longer any notion of “off hours”, there is no escaping the direct line from employers to employees, no saying I didn’t see the email till this morning, no saying the text didn’t come through. Boundaries have to be set clearly and early, and unfortunately in this day of corporate dis-loyalty, there is always someone else who will answer the email or phone. Leaving your value of family and personal time in question to the boss.

Writing letters is a thing of the past, and what a shame. There is nothing as romantic, or heart felt as a letter penned in someone’s own handwriting. A letter they sat and took time to write, and send to you. That is a true show of emotion, it has value and is personal. I’ve come to receive, thank you notes that are printed off a computer, emails instead of sympathy cards, and love letters sent via email. Even sex has taken a sideways pause to the graphic texting, obscene picture mail, pornographic video mail….. How personal could that possibly be?

Keeping up with your most valued friends, should be something we value and enjoy. Even in the busiest of times, the most hectic of environments. I want friends that are touchable, real, in physical form. Friends that I get together with monthly or weekly for sharing our lives, make new memories, discuss futures with. We don’t seem to cherish people like we used to, and think that a quick text, or email, or website we can direct them to suffices as maintaining friendships and placing value on them.

It allows people to ignore their responsibilities by sending an email instead. This seems to be the norm at work, school and personal life. At work everyone is much bolder on email, and under the guise if they cc: someone of a supervisory nature they have covered their ass, my son’s teachers send emails versus talking with me face to face (for good or bad situations), report cards are on line, assignments are on line, announcements, etc. So now we no longer are teaching children to be responsible for bringing things home to show their parents, no more worrying about having to hide your report card? And our personal lives certainly were not made for meeting, falling in love and breaking up on line. I want to meet a person, look in their eyes, listen to them, and get to know them as a human being, not what could be no more than a fictional character someone wrote about on a dating website.

I’m not thrilled with the way we are progressing in this venue, I miss the human element. I actually am one of the biggest offenders of email and texting, and I’m working hard at changing that. It is far to easy for me to speak in an email with no face to face contact, makes hard situations easier, less personal. I can’t count all the times I have misread, misinterpreted, assumed “tone” in emails. Sarcasm is tough to write out on an email.

I certainly can’t stop the future from happening, nor stop the advancements of technology, but must admit that I’m a little bit glad that I’m lucky enough to remember how awesome getting a love letter was, receiving a phone call late at night from a boyfriend, getting together on a regular basis to pick up where we left off with the true friends of my life, having a meeting face to face with a superior and being told “great job” and being able to see in everyone’s eyes the emotions that are only visible in person.

Course the flip side to that is I do like facebook, it allows me daily interaction with family that live out of state, to see pictures of friends and their kids who live out of state and at least in some small way still feel connected to home.

I guess I just want it all……

Progressing to the Diagnosis - Asperger's Syndrome

2010-07-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

I was 40 when I found out I was pregnant, and had him in the 8th month of my pregnancy. I had eclampsia and had been hospitalized earlier in the pregnancy with what they felt were kidney stones, although nothing ever passed.

He was barely 6 lbs and 18” long. We came home on a Sunday afternoon and were back at the hospital Monday morning. He had a severely low bilirubin and was hospitalized to get it back up to normal. We spent a week in the NICU.

He was the easiest baby, very quiet for the most part, always observing, watching, and looking at you. And I know all babies do that, but he didn’t look around with wonder or amazement, he was serious, like he’d been here before. Sometimes when he was a baby he’d look at me, and it actually would scare me a little, because it felt like he was more aware than a baby.

Aside from some afternoon colic situations, he was the easiest baby and a joy to be with. Well for me anyway. On one occasion when he was 5 months old, I tried to go to a hockey game in the afternoon, as a friend had tickets to sit in the player’s box. My child screamed from the minute I left until 5 hours later when I walked through the door. I chalked it up to he didn’t know the neighbor and missed me.

While he was a baby I noticed things immediately, at 4 months old this child would watch “Finding Nemo” over and over and over, and did so up until about 3 years old. It was one of the only things that made him truly happy. I used to prop him up in his car seat in front of the TV. I would watch him and try to figure out what he was seeing. At first I really believed it was the vibrant colors in the movie, but then I noticed he was reacting appropriately to the movie! He would smile or get a horrified look at all the correct places. Naturally my mother thought he was a genius, but honestly I found it odd for a 4 month old.

He thrived on routine, and don’t all the baby books say you need a routine? But he would not tolerate deviation from the routine. My mother would sneak in my room in the morning between 4:30 am and 5:00 am and take him into her bed with her. We’d then get up around 8:00 am and watch Teletubbies and then Dragon Tales, if we had a Dr’s appointment or something else to do for that day, you could be assured that a fit was coming, because the routine was broken. The car did not soothe him, in fact, it aggravated him, he didn’t like going in the car and it’s only been the last 3 years that going in the car is a pleasure. When he was around 4 or 5 months old, I thought it would be fun one night to surprise my mother at her show. We got in the car to go at about 6 pm, and not only did a fit ensue, he worked himself up so badly he threw up everywhere.

He liked the same music to be played softly, the same books to be read quietly, and the same daily routine repeatedly. When in doubt, I put the Nemo movie on. I really loved mornings with him, as he didn’t seem to pop awake, he didn’t wake up crying, sometimes I think he’d been awake a long time and would just listen to me for awhile, he’d open one eye up and then the other and look up at me with big brown eyes and smile. He smiled a lot…..

Even as a baby he was extremely picky about whom he’d allow to pick him up, and who he’d make eye contact with. He seemed to gravitate toward the quiet, direct people. He didn’t not seem to place much value in the people who cooed all over him or were loud and trying to be funny toward him. He seemed to enjoy being talked to as a person versus the baby talk that we all like to talk to babies with.

I chalked all his little quirks up to; he was the male heir to a single mom who was currently living with her older sister and elderly mother. This boy walked on water and had one of us, the three women, constantly doting on him.

I believe in my heart we had just spoiled him, rotten.

As he became a toddler – I started realizing something was askew……

Progressing with Pure, Positive, and Powerful Thoughts

2010-07-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed that 90% of what I worry about never really happens. Course I’m an “over thinker” so worry has been a constant struggle for me. I’d like to think I’m a recovering “over thinker” as I’m trying to just allow myself not to obsess on thoughts. Recovering being the operative word here. Needless to say, I’m finding much of what I worry about or “fear” never actually comes to fruition, except mostly in my head.

I tend to repeat in my mind negative words or statements concerning situations or events that have happened in my life. Sometimes, I repeat the negative statements and I’m not even aware I’m doing it. I’m working hard to catch this as soon as or before it occurs, as repeating the negative “loop” in my head, results in my subconscious mind accepting it as truth and eventually attracts corresponding undesirable events and situations in my life to occur. Words and statements actually have the ability to work in two ways, building or destroying. And a repeated negative loop I believe has the ability to create a reality.

Negative thoughts will more times than not, allow the fear to take over, and can make the negative thought become reality. Nothing is realistic or unrealistic, it is how I choose to think about any given situation. I will create my own reality. I’m working on out thinking or out talking the negative thoughts that seem to dominate my head. I’m determined to get the little negative voice under control and replace it with a little positive voice that will allow me to take risks, and grow into something Pure, Positive and Powerful……

I refer to the words Pure, Positive and Powerful as The Three P’s: a good friend once spent an entire evening forcing me to learn about. I actually added my own P to it which is Perseverance, which technically was his word also, but I added it to the Three P lesson. I couldn’t quite grasp the Three P’s at first, because powerful is not something I equate with myself, for that matter I didn’t equate Pure or Positive either. I am learning though, that I am all those things and more. It has taken me much time and effort to understand the value of these three (four) words.

I don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, I don’t need to wear a sign, as I feel it, it emanates out of me, and that in turn, allows me to work through problems, versus worrying about them, not argue them in my head and most of all, it allows me not to be stopped short and shut down because of fear.

When I put forth my effort of the Three P’s plus one, I’m able to rationally make a decision or see a view point I might otherwise have immediately taken on as personally against me, or possibly going to harm me, and look at it objectively, create a plan in my head and move forward. Listen first, clarify second, react last.

I’m resolute in taking little steps to get outside my comfort zone, with my first focus to be my job, that has become a stress filled nightmare that causes me to take aspirin all day long, and quite frankly I do not believe you are suppose to have headaches everyday. I realize and accept responsibility for the fact that I’ve remained at this job far too long.

Although at times unbearable I see that it is comfortable, it’s a bad habit. It provides money to meet my needs, but there is no happiness that comes with it, no enjoyment, there is nothing in it for me, there is no where to go there. It’s a toxic environment to exist in and sadly it carries over into my personal life and that is bad for the soul. It is also not something I want my child to think is the way work or life should be.

In my over thinking the situation I know its illogical to stay somewhere that causes stress and unhappiness. However it will be baby steps on leaving, as the economic climate doesn’t promote jumping jobs, and responsibility comes before happiness.

To live a life of quality, to be comfortable in my own skin, to work at a job where I’m respected and rewarded, to not compromise my values or have to play games to achieve desires, is my goal. I want to be a defining person and make a difference…..

That is the goal for now, and I will invoke The Three P’s plus one, in my thoughts, words and hopefully actions.

I watch people around me who I truly admire and I see they are successful because they act on their dreams and visions. They are not afraid to fail and they address the issues upfront and honestly. They don’t sit back and wish things were different. They don’t “hope” for the best, and they certainly don’t say, “God must not want it to happen” when things don’t turn out.

These are the people I want to learn from, to follow to emulate.

“Argue your limitations, and sure enough, they are yours” Richard Bach, Illusions

“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work at it, however” Richard Bach, Illusions

Progressing past labels

2010-07-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

He is much like myself. He prefers to have few confidants, few friends, he enjoys solitude. Yet when he loves it is all encompassing. He wants constant reassurance, do you love me? Are you proud of me?

Change throws him off balance, creates anxiety, turmoil, fear. Rules….he craves rules and expects everyone to follow them. There is no gray in his world, it’s very literal, logical. Pure black and white.

He views the world in his own unique and special way, and hopefully, as he matures, he will learn that that is ok, there is no need for anger, hurt or pain to be involved with that.

That others with different views do not mean that his view is wrong, or that he needs to change. He only needs to accept that his view is unique.

He is extreme… he describes his pain as, “I’m bleeding all day and no one will give me a band-aid”… tears well up in my eyes that he could invoke that kind of visual in my head, but it’s how he feels, because he is different.

I can’t make everything right for him, I can’t be with him 24/7, I’m only able to instill in him that I think he’s beautiful, that I love him, that he is smart, loving, happy and to hold his head up high when the others tease him.

He is only seven years old……… his diagnosis is PDD/Asperger’s. His IQ is ranked extremely high, his social skills are a couple years behind his age, he’s desperate to fit in and be liked.

Aren’t we all?

Progressing While They Grow

2010-07-19T13:13:00.001-07:00

As I dropped my seven (7) year old off this morning at “day camp”, it pained me to drive away. His eyes, when he said good-bye this morning, said everything I feel and have felt inside for the last 6 years. It nearly broke my heart. As the child of a single parent, he’s getting ripped off, and he knows it. He doesn’t get “summer” in the sense of hanging out, the lack of rigid routines, the entitlement of just relaxing for 90 whole days. Nope, I have to work, which means his routine is the same as it is for the nine months school is in session.

I remember when my parents sent us to camp for a summer, I hated it. I felt like my parents wanted to be rid of us for the summer. After I was grown I related this to my mother, who was dumbfounded and replied that she and my father were so excited that they had the ability to send us to camp one year!

Yes, times have changed, more and more children have to attend day care, after school care, before school care, all because we don’t seem to put the same values on what is important anymore. Marriage is certainly not what it used to be or have the same meaning it used to have. If it doesn’t work, you can get divorced. Everyone has to work these days whether it be for survival or for the extras everyone wants. It just seems wrong somehow…..

Don’t get me wrong, the summer camp he attends actually is quite inventive and has some awesome activities the kids are doing. I just recognized what he tries so hard to conceal behind those big brown eyes. He struggles as it is, as he is not the most socially adept of kids. He prefers being one on one with people or spending time alone. He’s not good yet with handling the older kids who enjoy making fun of the smaller kids.

I just keep reminding myself daily, that although I will never be able to provide him with everything he wants, I will make sure he gets everything he needs.

But really is that enough?

Progressing through Pain

2010-07-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

I have recently had to let go of someone that I care deeply about. He was the singularly most important person I ever let into my life. I didn’t invite him in, I didn’t seek him out, he appeared. It was poorly timed and brought crashing to the surface much pain for me, and an unwanted look at my past, what I had once aspired to be, and what I had become. It was a thrashing, sometimes quite cruel period of time; I cried deeply and believe that part of my heart is now untouchable because of it. On the flip side I am forever in his debt for making me see that the person I had become was quite ugly, unforgiving and absolutely headed in the wrong direction.

It is for me, in a person’s eyes. It’s what I notice first and it’s what I key on. I tend to watch the subtleties of eye movement, and how someone looks at me when they talk. His eyes shine light, life, power, strength, truth………..

But I let his light dictate my life. His opinions become my reality. That is never good. I’ve come clear back to listening to my heart, knowing what is best for me. Knowing that sometimes friendships are toxic, that each party is handling something wrongly and passing it off on each other.

Hopefully, one day, at another time, we can meet up again, see each other in new light, and be open and honest from the start. Create a friendship worth nurturing and growing into.

But for today, I’ll progress through the pain, and breathe deeply when it hurts. I will let go and let God, for this day, this hour, and this minute.

Progressing inspite of being surrounded by Morons

2010-07-14T05:11:00.001-07:00

The company I work at started with a few employees above a garage. It really was much easier, as we all knew what each other was doing. Cramped quarters led to our hearing all the conversations, so basically, it enabled us to keep things moving, always knowing what was going on. Communication was easier. There was more work and we all had to wear more hats, but we settled in and it became the norm to us. There was a flow to it.

7 years later, over a 100 employees, 8 jobs going at once, we’ve grown in leaps and bounds, and you would think that the original employees would have less to do. Somehow the opposite seems to have happened. We’ve taken on lots of employees who’ve narrowed their “job descriptions” to one or two items. And still the original employees are picking up the pieces.

These new “executives” have this protocol they seem to have invoked. They want policies followed. So essentially, now, when something is needed, not only does it get passed to at least 4 people, it then has to go through some bizarre approval process. What used to take 4 minutes to do, now takes at least a day. In essence it slows down production and at the same time justifies their worth. SERIOUSLY?

Let me give you an example of the lunacy. To get one of the minimum wage clerks to make copies of certain items, you have to start at the VP of Accounting, who then tells the accounts payable manager, who then tells the payables clerk, who then talks to the clerk. How frigging crazy is that? How bout the minimum wage clerk being happy go lucky enough that whoever comes to her with a task, she just does it. Ahhh but the real reason behind all the supervisors of supervisors of supervisors, is because of labor laws….. 90% of the accounting department fall under hourly employees, and that would be time consuming for the VP to actually supervise, so the result is, everybody supervises everybody…… YAY…. Voila …..salaried employees.

A majority of banks, CFO’s, lawyers, professionals aren’t looking to wait on answers, so inevitably they email me, and I get them the information and get it to them. My boss, although depending on me to get the job done, on the flip side gets annoyed that a majority of my day is spent “cleaning up” what other people don’t accomplish.

This is the crux of my stress level. You would think the boss would be annoyed that others are not doing their job, but instead I am penalized for picking up the slack. Yet in meetings he will flat out tell others to just go straight to me, she’ll get it done.

The lack of synergy and team effort drives me crazy. The top executives have got it in their heads that they supervise, they keep telling me they want to learn what I and others do so they can better do their jobs. HA……… I fully believe that if everyone did their piece of the puzzle, and was secure enough to be in their positions, that we could all turn to each other for answers when needed and the team would be created….

You’re suppose to learn something every day and teach something every day, I really try to do this. I encourage those under my supervision to learn everything I do, so they are able to surpass me one day, that is the way I was taught. The problem lies in that above me are the “yes men”, I have another name for them that isn’t as pretty. The yes men do not want to teach, the want power and control. They do not ask for help, they flounder until the boss has someone else accomplish the task. Then they create the smoke screen that they couldn’t do their job because others are withholding valuable information.

We have a very expensive server that stores and holds all the information, but it is beneath them to look there. They find it more productive to walk down a hall, or email someone for information than to just look for it. These are the same people six figure income people who have come to me with the following questions……

• We have a new employee starting and they will need a key, what do I do?

• There is no toilet paper in the bathroom….

• The boss sent me an email telling me to do something, will you witness that I’m only doing what he told me to do?

• The boss initialed these invoices for payment, should I pay them?

• Should I call so and so on their cell phone or at their office number to get information?

• The file folders we purchased are too small, what should we do?

• All the forks are missing from the kitchen…..

How do you survive in a job, when you are surrounded by morons?

Progressing through a 4 way intersection

2010-07-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

What is it that confuses people about this? Everyday on my way to and from work I have one four way intersection to encounter. Everyday it baffles 3 out of 4 of the vehicles trying to get through. Did anyone take driver’s education? Is it required anymore? My God, you yield to the right, everyone takes a turn. I sit at the stop sign twice a day, and finally just throw my hands up and proceed through because there are 3 other vehicles who look like frozen deer with guns pointed at them, to nervous to move or just moving in a jerking forward motion and then stopping.

Really?

This could be unhealthy to the start and end to everyday …..

Progressing Naturally is a Relative Term

2010-07-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

I like to think that I am “progressing naturally”, but in actuality, I’m pretty sure it’s my goal and not really what has occurred.

At 47, I have a seven (7) year old son, a house I purchased on my own, a job I exist at, just paid off my car (YAY), a few what I’d call really true and good friends, my health is good, I’ve kept in decent shape, and make enough to provide what we need…….

Life actually is good.

I’m a native New Englander who transplanted to Texas about 14 years ago. This was a knee jerk reaction to a death in the family, and boredom of a life that was routine.

I married at 18, right out of high school, to the neighbor down the street. Yes, I was one of the 18 year old’s who thought she knew more than anyone older than herself, thought I could beat the odds of marriage. It lasted less than 2 years. Then jumped head first into another marriage, an older man, who was settling down just as I was revving up! That lasted much longer, but my soul wasn’t in it. I always knew something was missing and I was searching for something more. So yes, two failed marriage are behind me…….
And that’s where they’ll stay.

I’ve made a million mistakes, made my work a priority, partied like there was no tomorrow, gave what I thought was my heart at wrong times, I’ve lost everything before, and clawed my way back.

So although I may not be “progressing naturally” in the true sense of the words, I am absolutely progressing. And I’ve decided to finally follow my own inner calling, and take a chance and move forward to where I choose to be.

And really, isn’t that what we are supposed to do anyway? Aren’t we supposed to be taking care of ourselves first? Enhancing our own lives so that we can be whole and happy? I had made a career of putting everyone and everything before myself, looking to others to provide me with that inner peace and outer smile. It has taken 47 years and way too much money in therapy to come all the way back to realize, it’s in me!

So I’m putting on the ruby red slippers, I’m clicking my heels and I’m bringing it all home. To me, myself and I.