I read that on the Internet when googling, "finding love after 40", in October of 2008. It shell shocked me back into life and wanting to find a man to have a relationship with after years of being content living alone, and now living as a single parent to a 7 year old.
We all know the odds that after 35 there are less men then women out there, so there is a chance that yes, some of us will live alone for the remainder of our lives. Doesn't mean our lives will be any less fulfilled or any less enjoyable than anyone else's.
Life is what you make it, happiness is a choice, and you've got to live in the present moment, cause really that's all there is.
I actually still believe (yes I'm a romantic at heart), that there is someone out there for me, someone wonderful and special. I also believe at my age (48) that you can only appreciate the "wonderful" men, the men of substance, that are in this world when you've been through and experienced the not so wonderful ones. Let's face it, we've all had our share of assholes....
As someone who dabbles in Karma beliefs, I believe that when you go through something awful, painful or soul wrenching, that the universe has the converse right around the corner waiting. That this "thing", "idea", "person", "event" that is around the corner will be the perfect counterbalance to what you are going through right now. The universe is fair like that.
It is time to stop dating poorly and learn to date smart. Funny how a bit of perspective from failed relationships can make you feel like a total idiot. That one sentence on the Internet from googling ways to date and find love after 40 causes you to sit up and take notice of all the mistakes you are making, figure out why and move past it to smarter and healthier ways of living.
In retrospect I bet all women can look back at different relationships and if asked, "Did you at any time notice signs that these past men were not the right men for you?" we'd all say, "Yes". Here's the rub ladies, we all should have ended things and walked away at the FIRST sign. There is no point in throwing good time after bad. We should have been honest about what wasn't working, given closure to the "relationship" and moved on. People don't change, and if someone is trying to change so you will like them, they'll hate you in the end, and visa versa, it doesn't work. No square pegs in round holes.
Why do we want a man that clearly shows all the signs of not wanting us? Are we so desperate that a man with none of the criteria we are looking for in a partner is better than no one? Or are we compromising our criteria? Have you ever written out the top 10 things important to you in a partner or friend? Write them out, then mark the 5 things that are deal breakers for you. How may items on the list are you willing to not have in order to be friends or date?
I say friends or date because I want my partner to be my friend, but I also want true friends and because of that hold them to many of the same standards.
We all know the typical cliches: (they apply to dating, and friendships)
* I don't want to commit, is really I don't want to commit to you
* I need space, is really I need space from you
* I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now, is I don't want a relationship with you
* You're a nice person, we can be friends - means I don't find you attractive, most likely will not call,
but might if there is absolutely no one else to talk with
I once had a man continuously call me (3 or 4 times a week) for about 6 months, and tell me often that he didn't have the capacity to love, that he was damaged -- how awful I thought, I'll extend my friendship and bring love back into his life, show him there are some good people in the world...blah, blah. It turns out that all along he was dating someone, later he told me she was the love of his life - so again, really the meaning of what he was telling me was, he didn't have the capacity to love me.
These men that use these lines will tell you that they aren't lieing, they'll rationalize it's to keep from hurting our feelings. That is BS..... Here's a deal breaker ladies, if they can't be honest, they lack integrity. Honesty is the basis of integrity.
Obviously my own radar has been broken for a little while. But I know what I'm looking for and I know what is a deal breaker or not for me.
I own my home, I have a 7 year old with Asperger's, been married before, I'm able to support myself. I don't need anyone to save me, I can save myself. I desire a man of substance, who can go the distance, who is open and honest and understands that those of us over 40 have flaws..... I want someone who'll love me flaws and all.....
I realize it's alot to ask, but isn't it better than being shot by a terrorist?
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